I find as the minutes tick down to Luke's departure tomorrow I am feeling less and less of any sort of anesthetic effect! I have books strewn all over my coffee table - Mother Teresa's letters, St. Therese of Lisiuex's "Story of a Soul", the Holy Father's "Jesus of Nazareth" and last night I was watching videos on youtube of St. Gianna Beretta Molla (her birthday is tomorrow, Oct. 4.) NONE of the people above were anesthetized in any way from suffering and they had the greatest faith. In fact, it seems the greater the faith, the deeper the suffering.
I suppose my biggest worry is that Luke is not a church goer. I think he believes in some nebulous form of God. His dog tags proclaim he is "RC" - Roman Catholic - but that's not entirely true. He was baptized Lutheran as a baby (I didn't know any better...long story) and he went to parochial school for three years. Then I pulled him out of the school for various reasons. During the time he did attend parochial school he made his First Holy Communion. I never did get up the guts to take him to Confession (in our diocese it is still not mandatory before FHC) even though the school phoned me twice. He has gone to Mass here and there over the years and has a fascination with certain saints, particularly St. Michael. He and Nikki are even considering the name Michael if they have a boy someday. Or Xavier! I suppose that's his "cultural Catholicism" coming out. I was a very poor teacher of faith.
Yet he has such a tender heart! On Monday he said to me "these guys aren't just troops, Mom. They've become my brothers. I know their families and play with their kids. If something happens to one of these guys over there I want to do everything I can to get them back alive to their families. I don't want to tell their wives that my face was the last one they saw before they died." Well, I pretty much lost it then.
A few days later I promised him I would pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet every day while he was away for his sick and dying patients. He was pleased. Jesus told St. Faustina, "...I will stand between My Father and the dying person, not as the just judge but as the merciful Saviour." (Diary 1541) I will be praying it as much for Luke as the troops he cares for.
I guess what I am saying is this - not only am I terrified Luke will be maimed or killed - but that he won't make it to heaven if he is. Would God really do that? It's my fault the kid grew up with liberal values. I think "Lord take ME, not him, give him another chance."
Perhaps I am beginning to understand the great LOVE God has for us that he sent his only SON to die. But that death had purpose! What purpose would it serve for my child to lose his life? How can any greater good come out of this? It would leave utterly destroyed people in its wake.
No matter how bad I feel for myself I feel even worse for Nikki. I felt like this when my father died at 55, a senseless death from a heart attack exacerbated by cigarettes and scotch. I felt worse for my stepmother than myself. It was so NEEDLESS!!!
I don't understand anything right now. I don't even know if I will keep this post up. I just had to put this out in the universe because there is nobody I can talk to about this without falling to pieces. That's not to say I do not support my son - I DO. I just want him home safe and sound and married to Nikki and giving me grandchildren. Is that so wrong???
Please Lord, look after my baby. I love him so much.
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